It’s been a slow start to the year. I have no money. No gigs. And I’m sitting at home waiting for payday. I’ve not been “hanging out”. Hanging out is expensive.
I live in Manchester, where the comedy scene is thriving. But I’m waiting for winter to end. I’ve done all the right things. Gym in November. Vitamin D. A new farm in Stardew Valley. Do-your-worst. But winter still felt like a marathon. And I’m crawling my way to the finish line.
But seasons change. Winter is almost over. And I’m ready to start gigging again. If I can get booked. Please God.
January is a slow month for comedy. Clubs reopening after the holidays. People doing dry-January. And a bunch of other excuses I tell myself. I have been hitting the open mics though. The old stomping-ground for testing-out new jokes. Which are half-baked ideas. And I’ve gathered plenty over the holidays.
But ideas are like plants. Sometimes they're doomed from the start.
I have this one idea that’s like “what if I made weird noises while I’m benching at the gym. But I’m practicing it in the shower. And I live in a house share. So I’m actually just making weird noises in the shower”. I thought of that one in the shower. And I completely cracked myself up, thinking “this is good stuff”. “This is like going to take my performance to a new level”. Comics will say “wow, Paul has reached a new dynamic of stage performance”.
Which is not what happened.
I’m doing the bit on stage. Making guttural sounds. Pretending I’m lifting a barbell. Gritting my teeth and making absurd noises. Then I say “how weird would it be if I did that in the shower!?”. In-front of several confused audience members.
The bit didn’t work. The audience didn’t get it. Another spoiled crop. I could bring it back again so comics can say “He’s actually trying the weird gym noises bit again”. And I say “No, I’ve fixed it this time! At the end I break into a rendition of ‘There’s No Business Like Show Business’”. And get an applause break.
This is a typical open-mic experience. Some guy tries out a weird new bit and get’s the complete opposite response he’d hoped. This time I’m the guy.
Anyway, one day I’ll “get lucky”. And the “weird-noises in the shower” bit works out. And I can perform it in-front of thousands of people at the Palace Theatre.
I doubt it though.
Back to Stardew Valley.